After a bad fight with an ex, I left for the day and spent a couple of hours sitting on the beach reflecting on what just happened. I wrote down all my thoughts, questions and emotions because deep down I knew this was the beginning of the end. It was a beautiful September day and it was the day the sea set me free.
I finally snapped.
I had been pretending this day wouldn’t happen for awhile now. I left my apartment angry and hurt with a burning desire for more. Tears flooding my eyes, I grabbed my keys and raced to escape the pain. It wasn’t necessary to put a destination into my GPS. My heart was leading the way and it was leading me to a place that brings me peace. I didn’t want to go back home. I couldn’t be around my friends. I needed time to reflect with open space to breathe and the sound of the ocean waves to calm my soul.
The Sea Set Me Free
The beach has always been my happy place. It’s not only because of the memories made here with the people I love, but something about the salty air, blue water, warm rocks and wet sand that washes over me, refreshes my soul and forces me to reflect on the most difficult parts of my life.
On this warm September afternoon, I walked on the beach wearing jeans that had rips on each knee and a tank top that allowed my arms to feel the warm sun of early fall. I carried a small blanket, my yeti filled with pumpkin spice coffee and a sweatshirt. I parked in a small lot with a few other cars and wondered who else would be here. Would they judge me for being alone and by no means prepared for an afternoon at the beach? As I found a spot to claim as my own within the rocks looking out at the sea, I looked around and saw that the people here were here for the same reason as me. We were all looking to escape life, even just for a couple of minutes.
Why did I snap?
Something so little with no significant importance, finally made me swallow that tough pill. The one I’ve thought about swallowing, the one I tried to but spit back up. Why did this one situation bring flashbacks from conversations with him, with other people, comments, fights and promises? Why did it cause me to get so angry that I felt out of control?
The relationship was never easy and I was aware of that from the start. I knew I wouldn’t change him but I held onto this sliver of hope, that maybe just one day, he would finally see what he’s missing out on if he opened up and accepted love. Accepted my love. The sliver of hope came from times I could see him light up in conversation. His smile, his laugh, the way he kept the conversation going, how he made the person feel comfortable and accepted, his confidence. Except those times when I would see him light up, weren’t because of me. Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Shouldn’t you light up around the person you love?
The Sound of the Waves Calmed My Soul
As I sat on the warm beach, I wondered how long it would take for him to text me. Tears started to fill my eyes as I knew the answer, even if I still struggled to admit it. Did he even know that something was wrong? What will he say to the pictures of us scattered through the house, tossed here and there because I was so angry? Would he finally understand my pain?
I’m not scared to be alone but I’m tired of doing the same thing over again. Finding a new place, saying goodbye to beautiful people who have become my own friends, picking sides and starting over, this time only older.
The drive to the beach was refreshing, almost exhilarating. I had my windows down, music loud and the pain was still fresh. But when it was time to leave, I felt calm and I didn’t want that to replace my hurt. As I sat on the beach and looked around, I realized that I was the last one there but I wasn’t ready to leave. I wasn’t ready to admit that the sea set me free.